In the heat of SUMMER BLISS /

Feel the heat/ Thursday, July 27, 2006

having creativity day tmr. no lessons but there's activity.

this week have been pretty fine. minus all the tiredness&piles of school work. man, felt like such an influence. anyways, school work have really been catching up with me and im kinda breathless. endurance is the word. having mock exam again tmr, social studies.

oh guess what i miss. i miss meeting up with all of you. again i say, its such irony. how i feel tt we are suddenly so close & perhaps even the sense of belonging is there, we arent tt close actually. somehow i felt tt we cant really communicate properly. hahaa, when it comes to languages, the problems lies with me lah. hahaa, but i guess things are getting better now. =) and to say, i miss studying in church too. hahaa, but i want to be home, good girl eh.=)

and yes joanne, perfection in God's eyes.

something to share: the cave named failure.
The hardest thing about being in the cave is that you begin to wonder whether God has lost track of you. Did He forget His promises? Does He remember where i am? Will i ever be anywhere nit in the cave? Will i die in here?

There is one thing you need to know. the cave is where God does some of His best work in moulding and shaping human lives.Sometimes, when all the props and crutches in your life get stripped away and you find you have only God, you discover that God is enough. sometimes, when your worse fear of inadequacy are confirmed and you discover that you really are out of your league, you experience the liberation of realising that it is okay to be inadequate and that God wants His power to flow through your weakness.

sometimes the cave is where you meet God, for God does some of His best work in caves.

David knew about failure. He spent about ten years of his life in the wilderness on the run. From a human perspective it looked as if God's promises to him never come true.

..

something else to share: soar, run and walk.
i think that sometimes in Jesus's life-as when He was on the Mount of Transfiguration or when he called his friend lazarus out of the tomb- Jesus soared. he rose so high in spirit that no one could keep up with him. He was in the jet stream.

at other times- as when he wept over the defiance of Jesusalem, when he was frustrated with the slowness of his disciples, when he faced opposition of religious leaders- life was tougher. Yet he kept running. he did not turn aside from the course even when it ran uphill. he could run a long way.

but when it came time to take the road to calvary, he wasnt soaring. when the cross was placed on his brusied and bleeding back, he wasnt running. He walked. he was a young man, but he stumbled and fell that day.all he could do was get back up and walk some more.

sometimes, walking is all we could do.but in those times. walking is enough. maybe it is when life is the hardest, when we want so badly to quit, but say to God, " i wont quit, i'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. i'll take up my cross. i'll follow Jesus even on this road." maybe God prizes our walking even more than our soaring adnour running.

in any case, at a cost that none of us will ever fully understand, Jesus walked up to calvary. He took upon Himself, on the cross, all the brokenness of the human race.

this two short passages adapted from "if you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat." encourages me much. i read them before and today when i suddenly took it out again,i flip and saw these. you know, God is always so faithful. He reminds of us of everything.

like what i shared with some of you before, i cant soar high now, cant even run with all my might, but im still walking. this phrase of mine comes from after reading the book. its really encouraging. and to assure, im still walking. and i know you will hold me accountable=)

in Christ the Lord, i placed my trust. and i found the glory in the power of the cross.

my souce of strength, source of hope.

yongling-g-putting one foot after the other in front.

you completed my life..
3:18 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Monday, July 24, 2006

i was supposed to be studying but i went online just to check out e-mails and stuff and again reading blogs and i chanced upon yours. -missionaryin aking. indeed there is too much unsaid friction between alot of us. and i guess lets talk it out ya?

missionaryinmaking- hey, 1stly im truly and very sorry to affect you, by things tt have been happening in my life recently. i admit i have nt been handling my walk with God very well, and nt handling my emotions well too. and indeed there is so much so struggle with, both known and un-known to others. and yes, we each have our own struggles. hey, i really just want to say tt, i really appreciate you. lets nt get affected by each other struggles k? i mean put aside all the problems and lets run tog for God. just keep running alrights? and something i need to apologise, sorry tt i have nt been the joyful and bubbly yongling tt you thought i was. and i know i have nt been joyful recently, and im really sorrys. but trust me cos im sure i will be who im really soon, being independent and yet dependent on Christ alone. guess last year till this year have indeed been a draining year for me and lets just keep praying as i struggled on and wrestle with God. keep me accountable. i hope i will walk out of it, being stronger and being able to say, i may stumbled but i wont fall. thanks friend, its been really wonderful knowing you in such short period of time and being able to relate.=) run on!

my twin- hey know you are hurt and everything. but i also know you have a faith big enough to move mountains, i know you can do it cause your strength comes from God. i have alot to learn from you too. really. and keep going too ok? indeed so much had happened tt i really dont know how to handle and how to even face myself. realising and knowing so many flaws abt myself is one thing and being willing to share and to face it is another. ya? like what i said to daryl i will say to all of you, keep me accountable. i really dont want to fall, but i know im slowly moving away from alot of things...

my partner in assisting CG: hey=) doubt u will ever read this post cos u are running out of time for studies. glad we talked and met up. thankyou for waking me up to reality and making me think. of everything, life, cg, relationships with ppl and even studies. much more to struggle and learn, and im glad God placed you in this tog with me. loves.

the one who wants to help me with my maths: hey you are really kind you know. heh=) guess i nv tell you before, but really, its been such joy knowing you so much better and seeing you grow in Christ. thankyou for your constant reminder tt im nt alone and your actions really show.really, thankyou. just keep praying k?

the one who just shaved his hair: hey there=) know poly have been a hassle for you sometimes and you are really tighted up with school work. hey, dont get discouraged k? by shcool work, and even by us. im sorry for nt treating you well sometimes, im really sorry. but i want to say, you are my good friend. really, being in the same cg and always hanging out with you is cool, more cool than you can imagine. thankyou for changing so much for the sake of JESUS, He is pleased with you.

eddie: hey dont know whether you will ever chanced upon my blog but hey, here's a small section just for eddie=) knowing and hanging out with you these months have been more tha great. your willingness and cheerfulness is really something i admired and tt makes you easy to communicate to. and man, you know smth? you are so smart can? =) study hard and jiayou k? im nt gg to push any religious stuff down your throat but eddie, i just want to say you have been an answered prayer to alot of us. love studying tog with you too! =) smarties sounds like a good name for eddie!

the one who i hurt super deeply: hey girl, im sorry. i know nothing i say now can make u feel better. i know i have hurt you. but girl, the point now is tt im willing to change, and you must response. it takes two hand to clap.

rays: hey my good friend, brother-in-Christ, listener, lecturer and neighbour! =) hahaa, suprise! hahaa. no la, just want to say thankyou for coming down to admiralty to pass me the X-box controllers. sorry for being quite nt myself. things happened and its a long story, tell you next time if i ever have the time.=) and hey, thankyou for being patient with me, guess no one else would, hahaa. you know what i mean lah.

okays, go to rush off. need to plan my revision schedule.

oh my life mission statement! :

leading a Christ-centred life daily as a teachable&joyful follower of Jesus. Intentionally sharing His love to others and being dependent on His strength alone.

yongling-g :D

you completed my life..
6:02 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Friday, July 21, 2006

experiencing God differently in different seasons of your life.

this special season, may God continue to be that eternal Father.

you completed my life..
8:48 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Thursday, July 20, 2006

after leaving the school, i think the thing i will really miss is the every single rule we break tog and the smiles and laughter.

if i leave Singapore, the thing i will really miss is church(everythng) and my kor.

*its one thing to forgive yourself for doing the wrong thing, its another thing to forgive yourself for not doing the right thing you should.
*its one thing to be loved, but its another matter to love.

yongling.

you completed my life..
7:53 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Wednesday, July 19, 2006

*smile* i finally finished my maths year paper, after so long. thank God tt he's my discipline=)

oh and this week have been really packed for me! okays the later part of the week pack-er haha.
wed- lessons till 4plus. man, its continuous, doesnt sounds tiring but man, it really is. drained lah.
thurs- tests till 4plus. physics class till 5plus. foloow up maybe till 6plus? =)
fri- mock exams- whole syllbus of chem and phy paper-full. argh, then after that got stupid lame EL-prelims oral. =(( after that, meeting up with lucille and sarah for prayers and then... LTP201. bet it will be such a long day..*yawn*

okays now what?

sleeping time soon! heee, havent been sleeping early in many years. hahaa. watching tv show with mummy now. and im multi-tasking again~ as usual. heee.=)

mummy's so nice, she brought bread for me for tmr breakfast~ loves loves.

come to think of it, studies have been quite a barrier. i miss meeting up with pple, and esp going to cafe and finding kor=(
[kor, u still owe me breakfast! =((( ]
oh and i think i been quite a good girl, cause i off my tv and concentrate on studies just now and i been staying at home these weeks.=) and i really miss shopping! and perhaps working, cos i will have money, heee =P okays, 4more months of enduring and i can go on shopping spree~! =) and perhaps even travelling! loves loves =)) okays, jiayou!

*the love of Christ must be shared! let His Joy be my strength.

nothing without Christ, yongling-g*

you completed my life..
5:57 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Tuesday, July 18, 2006

weekdays are becoming so packed and breathless for me. i suddenly start to realised tt there are quite a number of commitments in my life now, which are making me breathless and kinda overwhelmed. let's see...

1. of course, to do daily QT and spend Quality time with God.

2. taking care of mummy and making sure i have been a good girl. and in this aspect there are much to be elaborate. -big responsibility, esp now tt both brothers arent around at home.

3. studies. besides just dragging myself to school every morning, i need to have tt discipline to study when i get home everyday at 5-6plus. =( this point 3 is such a killer for me lah.

4. sundays- helping out with CG stuff- this part is what i called joy sometimes.

5. sundays- being there for pple who need to talk to me=)

6. attending LTP201 on fridays.- to have better understanding of the session before sunday to help get the ball rolling in CG.

7. follow up with my dearest girls- something tt i really enjoy also. but its hard for us to come up with a date to meet up sometimes, cos we all have national exams. but im glad we still do.

8. SFC- Shining For Christ. my dearest captain's ball commitment. 2nd and 4th saturadays of the month. -constantly keeping the joy and reaching out to newcomers.

9. meeting up with lucille and sarah- prayer partners. we meet together almost every week to pray for anything, everything- missions, youth ministry, ourselves, pple, Cg..etc.

10. EE- i need to go and memorise everything and test myself again and again. must put in more effort to make things right!

-
as i think about the many things which i need to do, i realised how my focus shift , from the cross to all these earthly issues. and again, putting Christ back into tt throne in my life is another big challenge. but well, everything will be well when Christ is back on the throne and when we place our worries and burdens on Him =)

-
through these months, i also realised how much i have changed. in attiude, character and the way i relate to ppl. i became more self-centered, more hack-care about about of things. and definately i became more and even lazier than last time. im quite a slacker now but the other part of me is panic-ing about Olevels. and yes, i think i became really "whatever lah, kinda of person." and i guess when i say whatever, most of the times i really mean it, and i dont care. which is like so bad can?! arghh, i think im alittle better last time. but well, it all boils down to the fact tt im nt really in the right track with God and ya. keep going keep going...

-

okays, need to go work on my undone tons of work. hear that? they are calling me! =(

JESUS SHALL BE THE FOCUS AGAIN.

*You hold my world in the palm of Your hands.
yongling-g

you completed my life..
3:52 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Monday, July 17, 2006

=) Olevels chinese listening compre was okays. pretty fine=)
went to see doc after that. but forgot to take MC =( the doc says i have very bad sore infection.. blah blah blah.
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oh and tmr its tuesday le, again. man tt means one more day to EL-prelims oral. i hate it lah. =( i hate EL oral, so scary. and im SO bad at it.
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nothing much to say or rather complain abt here. hahaa, =) cause some things are better left unsaid remb? =P okays anyways, aiyo, i still having bad bad bad headache. and hey im supposed to be studying.=)
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i want to eat birthday cake=( miss it for few years liao.
i LOVE MANGO CAKE. <33333star*>one. :(
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iLOVE ice-cream WAFFLES too. <3333 face="arial" color="#ffccff" size="4">
*

JESUS! be the reason tt i live again. pls. =)
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to the one who claimed i owe him waffles(but i didnt! =P) : hey, dont feel too torn in between ya? but i know it may be impossible, but continue to focus on God k? if nt all our problems suddenly seems so BIG. dont think too much, CHRIST in the center and things will go well.and oh well, as i was telling you, i feels like im slowly drifting away... but somehow i was reminded by something someone told me years ago, " im encouraged by how you realised tt you are slowly walking without God but you wont stop there, you make extra effort to sail doubly hard back to Him. " and well, hahaa, i dont know lahh, but i will keep on walking, and in times i will run faster. hahaa, better train and keep your pace tog with mine ah! =)) and hey, i wont give up. :)
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to the one who always "suan" me! : hahaa, wondering whether you will know its you anot, so make it more obvious k. you just changed a new blogskin and its you made it yourself one. and u like to say LOL. :D hahaa, anyways, i just want to say im really thankful tt you have the patient to teach me maths and just talking to me! :) and yes, you encouraged me much by just showing you care for the pple ard you! and ya, you too pls start studying hard too, remb you can do it~ :) and stop nudge-ing me on msn now! heh. =D
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okays okays. im so looking forward to meet up with my dearest follow-uppies this thurs. maybe cant make it at ikea le this time, i got class till 5. :( and meeting lulu and sarah this fri(: and i guess my exams are looking forward to meet me too :( :(
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lalalalalalalalalaaa~ oh pray for me can, tt my fever will nt keep coming back, and yes i will takecare from now on=) being a good girl in this aspect ah. :) :) health are important.

you completed my life..
4:27 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Saturday, July 15, 2006

its weird thinking of how close we were, but actually we arent at all. im really sorry. i din mean to hurt anyone of you and i know you all din mean to hurt me too. but the more often i see you all, i realised tt we are actually so different. but in the bad sense somehow. but ya, different.
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im really sorry. i really dont know what i can say, i know im terrible but well if you say so. i was thinking of what to blog abt, cause there is so much i need to tell each of you, but nothing comes to my mind.
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the one who calls me ah yong: i just want you to know u hurt me and im sorry tt i hurt you as much. i know u arent accusing but i felt accused. it seems like im nt trying and im making alot of excuses for everything but....well, i hate explaination. sorrys. and im glad to see you rising up and reaching out, putting in so much effort to do everything. keep going. right now, i only can walk, cant run tog with you, but i will be far behind.
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the one who lends me his ipod: =) hey thanks for being a friend. a true friend. everything, and esp being there all the times. all the "you okays?" with big assuring smiles. thankyou so much. hope to know you much better, really. looking forward to the day when we could really have sharing. the Christ-centred friendship. =)
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my twin: im sorry too. but i realised also tt this friendship isnt what i always thought it is. maybe its just all the expectations. im sorrys.
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my dearest follow-up-pies: sorrys. i really hope tt you all are nt getting used to life without follow up and me ard. i know i have nt been involved in your lives. im really sorry, some times i just hope tt i could try harder, at least to make you all feel more loved, i know i been such a failure, im really sorry.
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mountain girl: i know you are still angry with me. and i know you said alot of times you just need time. but meanwhile what can i do? i really dont know. i used to thought i was approachable but after so many things had happened, i realised how i m everything i thought i wasnt. sorry tt i have stopped trying. but somehow i hope you can understand tt i still care and love you as someone i always knew, and i really hope you can understand me too you know.
-

im sorry, i cant be perfect, i really cant.
all of you makes me think tt i failed, fail so badly. i hate being who i am.
bring me back.

*sorry doesnt mean anything.
yongling.

you completed my life..
7:30 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Friday, July 14, 2006

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
-

im sick. =(
i felt like everyone ard me is leaving! argh.

*i am everything i thought i wasnt.
sorry i cant be perfect.

you completed my life..
2:02 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Wednesday, July 12, 2006

im back from dinner! =))

i got like work to do=((
one EL-summary.
two set of maths paper.
one set of chemistry paper.
one worksheet for POA.
two SBQ qns for social studies.
one geog essay to complete.

man, i feel like crap. i know i know, 4more months! arghhh. it seems so long.. 4more months to freedom. endure alittle more. and then BYE sec life. such a challenge, mentally, physically, emotionally and of course more of them are spiritually.

and u must be thinking, so much work to be completed, then what are u doing online?! haha, man, give me a break. i think i really need to study like crazy, cause i wanna go overseas! =(( im not very stupid lah, just tt i need a little more discipline&effort. and plus a whole-heart=)

arghh, tired tired =(

yi bei zi. -stand by your side

oh and i love the feeling of being at home alone. i can do anything i want. scream, shout, cry, get angry, jump on mummy/kors' beds, play com whole day, watch vcd/tv shows, get turn the house upside down! and blasting loud music! and going crazy! not saying tt i cant do all these when im not alone at home, just tt i feel that im myself when im alone at home! but again, i rather a noisy home.

oh oh and prelims like 1monthplus away, ahhhhh! =(
my friends asked my abt life today! kinda lead to religious stuff. so ya! opportunity is here, i need to help them find book regarding our purposes in life, and where do we go after we die, is foetune-telling and stuff true? im so determined to go FInd it! =))

and i miss kor=(
i miss hanging out with pple.
i miss follow up.
i miss being friendly and nice to pple, even those tt are harder to love.
i miss SML cafe.
i miss working/helping at SML.
i miss WORLDCUP. *i really do =((
i miss England.
ha, and i missed you!

okays, guess i need to do work alrdy. hate it, arghh=(

im in a wake-up-early-tmr-again?! and sch?-whatever-lah kinda mood! :(

one of my fav song-everytime.

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

-britney spears.

all the promises you have broken are all stored here<3>

-yongling-g

you completed my life..
6:23 AM <3
>>>

so much to blog about. haha, but mummy more important, going to meet her for dinner le! blog tonight=)

so much to say to all of you, but yet i dont know what to say. haha. =) eddie, daryl, benn, mervin, lucille, sarah, vera. im really amazed at how you pple become part of my life in such short period. i like the way we always make efforts to reach out and to pray and to be tog and just be there for one another. ha, have fun in school =)

blogging later! <33>

i never meant to..
yongling-

you completed my life..
3:54 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Tuesday, July 11, 2006

hey just want to share something i read to you pple=) from the book "no wonder they call Him saviour" by max.Lucado. not the whole chapter but certain paragraph.

chapter 6. the cry of loneliness.
..i keep thinking of all the people who cast despairing eyes toward the dark heavens and cry "why?"
and i imagined him. i imagine him listening. i pictured his eyes misting and pierced hand brushing away a tear.and although he may offer no answer, although he may solve no dilema, although the question may freeze painfully in mid-air, he who also was once alone, understands.

chapter 7.I thrist
... He wants us to remember that he, too, was human. He wants us to know he,too, knew the drone of humdrum and the weariness that comes with long days. He wants us to remembered that our trailblazer didnt wear bulletproof vests or rubber gloves or an impenetrable suit or armor. No, he pioneered our salvation through the world that you and i face daily.
He is King of kings, the Lord of lords, abd the Word of life. More than ever he is the Morning star, the Horn of salvation, and the Prince of peace.

chapter 8. creative compassion.
...The Creator being sacrificed for the creation. God convincing man once and for all that forgiveness still follows failure.
i wondered if, while on the cross, the Creator allowed his thoughts to wander back to the beginning. One wonders if he allowed the myraid of faces and acts to parade in his memory. did he reminisce about the creation of the sky and sae? did he relive the conversations with Abrham and moses? Did he remembered the plagues and the promises, the wilderness and the wanderings? we dont know.

chapter 9- it is finished.
finish. stick to it until it is done.but unfortunately, very few of us do that.
Our human tendency is to quit too soon. Our human tendency is to stop before we cross the finish line. our inability to finish what we start is seen in the smallest things:
-A partly mowed lawn.
-A half-read book,
-letters begun but never completed.
-An abandoned diet.
-A car up on blocks.
or, it shows up in life's most painful areas:
-An abandoned child.
-A cold faith.
-A job hopper.
-A wrecked marrigae.
-An unevangelized world.

am i touching some painful sores? any chances i'm addressing someone who is considering giving up? If i am, i want to encourage you to remain.
Jesus didnt quit. but dont think for one minute that he wasnt tempted to. watch him wince as he hears his apostles backbite and quarrel. look at him weeps as he sits at Lazarus's tomb or hear him wail as he claws the ground of Gethsemane.
Did he ever want to quit? You bet.
..
Are you close to quitting? Please dont do it. are you discouraged as a parent? hang in there. are you weary with doing good? do just a little more. ..
cant resist temptation? accept God's forgiveness and go one more round. is your day framed with sorrow and disappointment? are your tomorrows turning into nevers? is hope a forgotten word?

Let's endure.

*
above are some passages that really spoke to me. decided to blog and share with you all cause i hope it encourages you=) did you read it carefully? skip a sentence or two? please read it again. really. =)
*
im feeling rather weird. cause now that world cup fever is over, i kinda miss worldcup. the joy and excitement when your fav team scored a goal, all the disappointments when the fav team got to pack and leave germany, all the "goals", yeah! and alot=) i really miss it! and of course, i miss helping out in cafe and having real great fun with the staffs there. worldcup's over, im feeling rather empty. =(( and to me, like ltalty we all should have a good fighting spirit.
*
went airport ytd to send mdm koh and to fetch my kor back. talking abt airport and flight, im so reminded of my dream. i always wanted to travel around the world, to take a break and to explore the world. and again, i want to study overseas. to me, leaving singapore for further studies is something i always wanted to do which like i dont think even my closest friends know abt it=) been sending pple off at the airport these months, well, deep inside of me, somehow i really hope im the one being sent off, really. i know i will really miss ALL in Singapore but well, i guess i really need to learn to be more independent yet dependent on God, i need to grow up, isnt it? i really want to leave. =)

Olevels chinese today was pretty okays except for the reading part, man i did so badly, and yes i mean it. i had like alot of long pauses! :(( but well, its over le lah, so haha, bye! and ya, having Olevels chinese listening compre on mon.

amanda&caryn: im SO SO SO SORRY for not being able to meet u all up for so long, so super long. im sorry for letting u all wait annd really m sorry. i really hope the desire for follow-up is still there. im sorry, i miss you=)

vera: dont know you will read anot, but witch loves you alot. <333>

the desire for complete joy.

some things are better left unsaid.

yongling loves you, always.

you completed my life..
4:43 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Sunday, July 09, 2006

just came back home from church.- had cg sharing, LTP201 and floorball. im hmmm in a ah-tmr-school-again kinda mood. =((
looking at the youth ministry camps photos few weeks back really reminds me of those youths we have lost touch with. the people who left, who backslided, who turn away. i can name so many, so so many. who ever really notice the absence of these people? poeple come and go, if we dont grab them, we lose them. i can name so many of them and its not all of them. zhi an, jessie, eileen, zhengying, gary, weiming, bingling, yanting, ben, the twins(i dont know their names) eric, nicholas, enping, roger, and more more. sometimes i really wish i had done more, to make them feel more welcomed, more love, more comfortable.
*
i dont know y but i really dont like the feeling of pple always saying tt i will give others(guys) wrong idea. so what if newcomers are guys? means i cant approach and reach out to them? why? why everytime when i talk to some new pple, make friends and be sociable, pple will ask me to be careful or to not lead them wrongly. like hello, i know what im doing. and i really cant stand it when newcomers are just so alone and no one talks to them. ya? =) whatever, maybe its really my fault. maybe i shall really restrict myself and yah, let others will reach out to them right?! (i mean like NO, so wrong.) to lead is to serve ya? i felt so accused and so helpless. a part of me want reach out, the other part of me is restricted cos i dont want you all to talk abt me. and the way i do things. ...speechless.
*
im quite sians abt school tmr. i mean no isnt, but yah. im trying to still be joyful abt it. and talking abt being joyful, cg we were talking abt having tt complete joy in us. the kind of joy tt is something deeper than laughing and being happy. like what jabez said, its a silence confidence knowing tt God is still in control and because of it, we smiled. altho things might nt be good at that moments, we are still having tt joy tt hope tt God is still here. well, ya like what sam said, it is something tt cant be explained, we have to experience it ourselves then we will know whether we have tt joy, tt faith.
*
and yes, CG , i really know what each of you mean when u all share abt your struggles with God, having tt joy, tt faith to hold on in difficult times. i din shared much just now but yah, i really wanna say i understand, at least to some extent. during the period of seeking God thru daddy's death, i know i look okays and fine to many. ya, somehow i know God is working altho i so dont agree at tt point of time and when u walk out of it and look back, God is still in control, He is still on tt throne, right? not say im super joyful or smth, im still struggling now, in a way. to continue to live for him and to love my family no mater what it becomes. really am trying to keep tt joy. knowing tt Jesus will never leave me. just want to encourage you all tt, no matter what struggles you are going thru, God will bring you thru, cause he brought me through, even the most difficult times so far. bringing you through doesnt mean tt its over and tt's it. for me, i still have memories, of daddy and of every other things tt i had let go, but bringing me thru means, when i look back, i will not dwell on it and changed tt joy into bitterness. when i look back, i thank God for His perfect timing and my future.altho i still cry night after night, i know God is still on the throne and in time to come He will show me. to simplify, is having tt hope.
*
alot of times, we only managed to thank God and be amazed at His plan after we walk out of the struggles and look back. and we will nod your head in agreement with me, yes the Lord is still working in the midst of all=)
*
and i shall continue to be joyful abt school tmr. and i at least i think i will be. and i really thank God for the sports ministry. praying tt it will continue to grow and grow! same passion, same goal, one focus=)
*

He is a God tt understands, that sees our pain, our hurt, our every movement. a God that is never letting us go, a God tt nv gives up, a God tt is alive. and He is the God tt we are worshipping. turn to Him , cause only Him alone can be there for you ALWAYS. man fails us, remb God wont. and the* storms in your lives will not overwhelm you, God's love will. *

torn in between, but
im caught in Your grace.
yongling.

you completed my life..
4:32 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Saturday, July 08, 2006

breathe again-
Have you wondered how it feels when its all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start a new
Never knowing where youre going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just had to close my eyes and say
*
I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little, cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face today
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little
Try a little more
I'll breathe again
*
Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck
Its a brand new start
That might just work my way
No need to walk away
Dont want to live on life replay
*
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

*
this is one of my fav song.hope it speaks of at least a part of how im feeling. (hmm maybe not, heh) i dont know what to blog abt but i know i love blogging, somehow to some extent. man i got like tons of work to finish and chapters to understand and catch up lah. and its sunday tmr=) floorball rocks lah.
im feeling so unreal all the times. i think im so in this process of finding my own self and knowing myself. i cant express my feelings and i felt like a fool sometimes. like what vera told me, " its simple, just be sad when u really are,cry if you need to, and be happy when you are happy!" somehow i do agree but another part of me cant do it.i felt tt i have been carrying this borrowed-joy with me for so long, tt i dont even know whose it belongs to anymore. where's yongling, the one everyone knows? i really want to have the real joy back, really.
want to do some dedications to those i been hanging out with recently. heh.:
-
amanda: i hope things are getting better, really. glad to see you still walking with God. hang in there, really, HE udnerstands.
.
benn: hey u have been such great friend and brother along this journey and really thanks alot, for? EVERYTHING =)
.
daryl: well, what to say? hmmm =) God's really your strength. seeing you struggling with so much and i really dont know how to encourages and comfort, im sorry. but i wanna say im still walking alongside with you. jiayou! God is so REAL=)
.
sarah: thankyou. really, for knowing well enough to know when im really not okays and when i really need to vent my emotions.thankyou for being with me through each struggles.
.
lucille: you have no idea how much i love you too. =) run on dear.
.
vera: i love witch too! its really wonderful knowing you so much better, personally. thankyou for the effort.
.
mervin: hey i really seen you grow, so so so much. jiayou brother.
.
eddie: hey! i wonder if you will be reading, but well anyways, im really glad to know you and studying with you is great altho you are alot smarter, i still enjoy your presence=)
.

and hey aggie, really thankyou so much too.
*

*goodbye to you. this time its really is goodbye.
yongling.

you completed my life..
7:57 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Friday, July 07, 2006

im feeling weird. but i dont know why. hmfpt. =(
-

so much to say, so much to explain, but well somethings are better left unsaid...
*

-the joy&pain of letting go =)-
yongling

you completed my life..
8:29 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Wednesday, July 05, 2006

i miss kor :( :(
-
kor's flying off tmr morning.
.
.
ah-!! i MISS KOR =(

=( =(=(=(=(=(=(

you completed my life..
6:48 AM <3
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Feel the heat/ Tuesday, July 04, 2006

mood swings- me?
NO.
-
no you dont know what its like to be like me.
-
it sure feel weird to sometimes blog abt happy stuff but sometimes not. yah weird.
-
well i dont know how to explain how im feeling now. but perhaps the song, "welcome to my life" can reveal abit of how im feeling. somehow i think im just feeling tired. man, you must be thinking, tired?!?! you dont get tired. but yah, i think the word should be exhausted.
-
family-
well, mummy and i have not been on good terms. rather hard to explain in details here. but yah, i just felt so selfish. i have been in my own little ignorance world. brothers are both in army and ya life's just so different. and with mummy ard me stressing tt life's different everyday, yes i know its different. and tt difference is daddy's nt ard. i miss the family feeling. i miss the times we argue over small matters, the times we just appreciate each other, the times we get angry with one another, the times we fight over computers and tv, fans, the times when we always go east coast park tog. i miss the watching soccer together. no, you dont know what its like. i been such a bad girl.
studies-
man, i been trying to study, but ya, im still feeling overwhelmed. no matter how, its still not enough. there's so much going thru my mind tt i cant focus and concentrate on alot of things. on the verge of breaking down. what if this, what if that. man, kill me.
caregroup-
its been great opportunity helping sam guide the cg when he's not ard. and i see alot of opp to lead and to step in to serve and yes i know God see willingess and tt's all He wants. i have been trying tooo. and i will keep going.
friends-
hey daryl, lucille, sarah, benn, vera, eddie, mervin. its really been nice knowing all of you some better some even better. after knwoing you all, my life's not the same! i feel tt i finally found my own group of friends and i sense tt im part of this group. and this feeling is indescrible. i simply just love every hangout and studytime with you guys, really.
me-
me ah? the same. im tired of always trying to be happy, trying to bring joy to people and they just dont see it. i feel like a fool. and i need pple to be there to listen, i dont just wan the right ans all the time. im sorry, im not perfect. im irritating and i was everything i thought i wasnt.

-

welcome to my life.
-to be hurt, to be lost, to be left out in the dark.

*daddy where are you. all i really want for Christmas is a family.*

yongling.

you completed my life..
6:55 AM <3
>>>